Lessons From Retreating

Thanks to my mother, this past weekend I was able to go to a presbytery women's retreat. I brought F with me since Z needed to plan and catch up on grading. Normally she's really good around people (including strangers) and adjusts well to being in new places. But, this weekend did not follow the "normal" pattern. She wailed anytime someone extended their arms out to hold her. Some ladies only had to look at her before she'd pucker out her bottom lip and then expose her entire mouth with an instant cry, testifying that she does indeed have a diaphragm (sometimes we wonder if she has one :).

At the beginning of the first talk I put F in the care of two very gentle and caring girls, both of whom I have known a long while. However, half way through the talk one of the them came to tell me that F was crying and wouldn't stop. I headed to the nursery thinking that by the time I got there she'd be fine. Boy, was I wrong. I've never heard my child scream so loudly and never for so long. I felt so bad for the girls who were watching her, so I took her outside to calm her down but soon came to the realization that taking her back to the nursery was not an option. I finally got her to calm down when I spotted some kittens. She loved them. Finally, we made it back into the conference room. My sister who was sitting next to me, opened her arms, offering to take F. Oops. At that moment of interrupting the talk, I thought of that quote I once saw on Pinterest, "You're making it very difficult for me to be the parent I always dreamed I would be." :) Well, I missed the rest of talk, I wasn't able to collect my thoughts enough to really focus on and answer the questions during the small group discussion, and while I had a couple good quick catch-up-conversations with some friends, I found myself having to constantly excuse myself or interrupt the conversation altogether. I eventually decided to head back to the room and put F to bed - which took more effort and tears than usual. This was not my idea of a good night - especially at a retreat.

While F was crying I burst out into tears, not out of empathy but of frustration, praying out loud that F would stop crying. Seeking consolation, I called my husband. After a couple minutes it was plain to see that it was useless to try and talk over F's crying, so we said goodnight. Thoughts like, "This is the roughest night I've ever had as a mom," "I don't know how much more I can take," "Why did I even come to this retreat?" or "Why didn't I just leave F at home?" flooded my mind.

Then I began to think about how for some mothers this is a common occurrence. This is their "normal." They must be so mature and be filled to the brim with character. No joke. So, while for some this wouldn't be a moment of desperation, for me it was. I was at my wits' end.

Filled with tears, I started to pray. And while I prayed my mind was drawn toward some of the things that Jared said in the first half of the talk that I heard. He spoke from Luke 5 when Jesus called Peter and Matthew to follow Him, highlighting Jesus' passion for discipleship. Jesus chose those who were despised and opened their eyes to see that Jesus is God. They fell down, confessed their unworthiness, worshiped Him, and abandoned their lives to follow Jesus. Jared noted that Peter, Isaiah, Ezekial, and John, upon seeing God, immediately bowed down because they simply could not stand in the presence of a holy God. But, in each of those cases, God picked them up and gave them His words so they could give it to the nations. Then he said, "Those most transformed by the holiness of Christ are the most fruitful for the kingdom of Christ."

At that moment I realized that I could sit there and sulk about the fact that I wished I hadn't come, that F wouldn't sleep, or that I couldn't talk with friends, meet new people, or play games. Or I could take this moment of utter helplessness to ask God to transform me by the holiness of Christ and make me fruitful for the building up of His kingdom. It struck me how unthankful I had been ever since arriving at the retreat, even when two days earlier I was sad because I thought I wouldn't be able to go. Yet, my mother graciously and thoughtfully offered to pay my way and take me with her. And I had the audacity to complain?! Not to mention that as a new mother, I've had it pretty good. And I began to think more about all the other mothers there at the retreat who had much bigger struggles than I did. God gave me a desire to pray for them. And through praying for them, God blessed me and made me more useful and fruitful - because prayer is powerful in the building up of Christ's church. It amazes me how graciously God will change us even when we don't even realize it sometimes.

Quite honestly, looking back on it now, I'm not sure how all my thoughts connected. But, that evening I became so much more filled with the peace and joy of God that only He can give. And, while the next day wasn't exactly "normal," it was oh-so-much-better because God had put a new song in my heart.

Oh, and Saturday evening when we got home, Z spotted a new tooth on F's upper gum. Double blessings. :)